You know it's the holidays when the local television news have the following stories:
-The "official" lighting of the Ingles Giving Tree at the Ashvegas Mall
-A follow-up on some spilled water at Reynolds Mountain
-And a Dolly Parton sighting story

So here we go, as seen on WLOS:

Assault at local theater
A woman said some dude ran his hand up her thigh at the showing of Beowulf Friday night at Carmike Cinemas and she wants people to know about.

The woman told Cherub Charu that the guy ran his hand up her leg, squeezed her thigh and reached for the "inner thigh." The whole time, she sat there, taking it. She told Charu she was "paralyzed by fear," and told her sister to go get help. As soon as the sister stood up, the groper jumped and ran.

All that police found later was a bottle of lotion in the seat and, luckily, no other deposit. I want to know why in the hell this woman didn't just punch the guy in the nose and scream holy hell. C'mon, sheeple.

In other crime news...
Some people were charged with a home invasion on Gill Branch Road on Sunday night... Police want help from the public in finding people who might have witnessed someting in connection with the Henderson County couple that went missing in Pisgah National Forest in Transylvania County. The cops found the woman dead, but they haven't found the guy.

Attempted arson at condo project
An apparent amatuer arsonist tried to set fire to some bulldozers at the University Terrace condo project near UNCA over the weekend. Gas was poured on the vehicles and a trail of gas poured onto leaves and twigs, but nothing burned up. An arson investigator told WLOSers that neighbors don't like the construction.

Speaking of fires...
There was a fire in a warehouse next to the Baxter plant in Marion. The 6 p.m. fire damaged some cardboard inside, but didn't stop the plant from operating as usual.

In other assorted news...
A Woodfin police officer trying to pull over an 18-year-old for a seatbelt violation got into a high-speed chase and the officer ended up flipping his car. The officer is recovering. ... A car went over an embankment on Beaucatcher Mountain and rolled 100 feet down near Windswept Drive. People in the car are recovering... A guy in McDowell County says somebody soaked hot dogs in antifreeze and fed them to his dog, and he wants something done. .... Speaking of killing animals, deer season started Monday. Wear blaze orange if you go out in the woods. ... And you can get your water tested if you live near the old CTS plant site on Mills Gap Road. Call someone.

Dolly Parton and the girls visit
Country songbird Dolly Parton dropped by KISS Country 99.9 to pimp a new album she's got coming out. She talked on the radio and signed autographs and stuff.

Canton attack
The craziest story of the day was WLOSer Holly Headache's story about a pub owner in Canton who told police that some guys broke into his place at 81 Main Street early Monday morning, duct-taped him to a chair, poured a flammable liquid around the place and tried to light the place on fire.

The victim was Arun Krishnan, who has run the place for a few years. Police told Holly people have tried to break in there before, and Krishnan had taken to sleeping in his restaurant to protect it. Krishnan's friends told Holly that the attack was a hate crime. The attackers were making comments about the color of the victim's skin and making other racial slurs, Holly said.

Police didn't say anything.

Polk deputy still recovering
WLOSers said the 16-year-old charged with hitting and injuring a Polk County deputy while fleeing police will be charged as an adult with assault on a government official and DWI. The deputy, R.G. Butler, is still in the hospital.

WCU student arrested
WLOSer Terrie Foster did a follow-up to the arrest in the death of Western Carolina University student Andrew Sides. Foster said Sides' friend, Brandon Parham, was arrested and charged with voluntary manslaughter in the December shooting death. Foster said police said the two were drinking in celebration of Sides' birthday and were "looking a gun" when it went off at University Suites Apartments.

Foster said Parham had not returned to school since the shooting. A WCU vice chancellor said he hopes students learn that guns and alcohol and celebrations don't mix.

The Cliffs of Swannanoa to have golf course
WLOSer Sheraldo said the biggest development in Buncombe County history just got a little bit bigger. The development, which stretches over a mountain ridge and will actually connect Fairview and Swannanoa (that's scary), will now have a golf course and has added 733 housing units. We think the total is more than 1,500 houses, but we're not sure. Anyway, Sheraldo was all excited about it.

In other news...
A woman is floating bad checks around town. So far, she's cashed $11,000 worth. The checks look like they're from a local building contractor... There was something screwy with U.S. Airways and its reservation system, but everything was fine at the Asheville Regional Airport... The family of a local soldier who was injured in Iraq defended the government and the care that Jonathan Prudin received at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, which is under fire for treating veterans poorly after a Washington Post report.... Gov. Mike Easley says don't burn things outside because it's dry and windy... And WLOSers said eight businesses in downtown Brevard will be bulldozed starting in April to build a new fancy shopping center on the corner of French Broad Street.

Gas station robberies
WLOSer Kassandra "Special K" Pride said there were two gas station robberies on Sunday and police think it was the same guy.

The Quick Trip on Tunnel Road was robbed about 7 a.m., K said, while the Gas Up on Haywood Road in West Ashvegas was hit later. In the Haywood Road theft, K said the thief got away with $175 and walked out of the store with the cash register. The cashier said the guy said, "I've got a gun and I'll shoot you if you don't give me all your money."

Fire's over
That big brush fire in McDowell County that burned about 700 acres is over now. The rain Sunday helped firefighters get the blaze under control. Somebody burning some trash started the fire, and that person will be given a citation, WLOSers said.

In other news...
A pedestrian on Germany Cove Road in Haywood County was intentionally hit by a driver, WLOSers said. No details... And traffic on U.S. 19/23 on the north end of Buncombe County will be detoured onto Elk Mountain Scenic Highway as construction crews work to repair a bridge over Reems Creek.

Squirrel shuts Civic Center
We all knew the Ashvegas Civic Center sucks. Now we know just how hard it sucks. WLOSers told us Monday afternoon that a squirrel shut the place down for about an hour.

The dumb nut apparently got himself tangled up in the Civc Center's power station and knocked out electricity to the place just before a Montford Park Players performance of A Christmas Carol for school children. The performance is held in the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium.

It took about 45 minutes to scrape fried squirrel off a transformer and get the lights back on, and the play went off without a hitch. The outage also didn't harm the ice rink that's installed now for holiday skating at the Civic Center.

All good. But if a squirrel can take down the Civic Center for an hour...

Hair bawl
The Asheville Middle School student who got kicked out of school for adding a few tame red highlights to her hair, then got reinstated after all the media attention around the situation, can't leave well enough alone. The girl stood up before the Ashvegas School Board Monday night and gave them yet another piece of her mind.

The girl cried, just like she cried on camera for WLOS a few days ago, and told the school board shame for making me cry, shame for making me miss my studies and shame for giving other kids ammunition to pick on me.

Well, I say that if you'd just sit down and be quiet, this mess would blow over, girl.

Mikey and the lights
We all know Mike "Cabana Boy" Cuevas reads Ashvegas. And loves it. But we didn't know he'd start ripping off ideas for stories and video.

Monday night before one of his weather-guessing forecasts (anyone notice how WLOSers totally blew the snow forecast? That's a topic for another post...), Cabana Boy showed us video of the beautiful blinky lights at a house on none other than Mildred Avenue in West Ashvegas, the house, we wrote about this weekend, just a few posts ago. (scroll down)

Cuervo, the least you could have done is give a little shout-out to ashevilleblog.com for giving your photographer the idea. If not, we'll be looking for at least a little thank you comment here soon.

Toy story
Jon "Punnyman" Le filed the first of what we expect will be several "Absolute (Suck) Le" reports on Christmas toys. Monday night, his topic was noisy toys.

Le hit a couple of toy stores and played conductor with all the obnoxious singing and dancing stuffed animals, including a penguin that does a horrible rendition of the Vanilla Ice classic. It left us with a headache, and wishing for some silence from Le himself.

Baby Jesus stolen
Last week, WLOSers hit us with a classic Christmas report out of Rutherford County. Seems someone stole the Baby Jesus out of a nativity set at an Ellenboro church. Mary Judliquor was all over it. This was the lead story at 6 on Friday.
Her cameraman got close-up vid of the bruised and battered Three Wise Men. She interviewed a church spokesman, who said he thought it was ironic that the thieves "took with them the very symbol of what they needed most" in their lives. And she talked to some little old ladies at the local diner who were righteously shocked.

Hey WLOS, I think the stats show that a real baby is kidnapped in this country like every five minutes or something. How 'bout telling us that story.

Dome dud
The nightly Sheraldo shout report came from Hooterville on Friday, where town officials were planning to light the courthouse dome. The historic courthouse, with renovations to begin soon, stands as a community gathering spot. So WLOSers were all set to bring us the lighting, LIVE.

Only the lighting didn't go as planned. As Larry "Old Glory" Blunt rambled on about the courthouse, picking up after Sheraldo, he kept waiting for the dome lights. He even urged them on with a "C'mon" or something. But no lights.

Oh well.

Sonogram silliness
Cherub Charu picked up on pop culture madness with a report on the popularity of "fetal photos," as she termed it, but she totally missed the story.

The only reason we care - or that Charu did the story - was because Tom Cruise recently told Barbara Walters that he had purchased an Ultrasound machine and had learned how to use it, all so he could watch the womb of dear Katie and keep an eye on his baby's development.
Charu's report never mentioned the Cruise craziness. But she did get some good quotes from the opposing sides. She got the dour doctor, who told us exactly what we'd expect - there's no medical evidence to show that soundwaves can hurt a fetus, but dammit, Tom Cruise is not a doctor and these machines are not toys.

Then Charu talked to one of those fly-by-night "4D" sonogram places that do the Glamour Shot photos and videos of your redneck baby for 50 bucks. And the woman described the sonogram as a "fancy camera" - that's a direct quote - that poses no health risks and is really kinda fun.

Personally, I'm with her. I love cameras. Especially fancy cameras. And if it requires the use of some extra gooey gel that I get to smear all over somebody, preferrably of the opposite sex, then I'm all for it. I totally pitched this story to Edgy Mama in an effort to set off her Righteous Indignation Alarm, but she hasn't picked up on it. So take it from me - if you've got an extra $20,000, go out and buy yourself one of these puppies and put it to good use.

Spotted
Julie Blunder and her newly minted hubby, at Tupelo Honey Friday night. Just hanging out, gnoshing.

Ratings race
A friend was telling me the latest sweeps overnight ratings book is out and that WLOS got whupped overall. I think WSPA and WYFF pretty much tied, with WLOS pulling up third. Also, Fox Carolina apparently did surprisingly well. The final sweeps numbers come out at the end of the month and that's where we'll see how everybody did.

RoIn asked the other about why WLOS runs so many stories out of Rutherford County. I had a tepid answer, but another loyal reader had a good response.

This is my response to RoIn:
I think it has something to do WLOS' television market, ratings and keeping the competition at bay. Rutherford County falls into a no-man's land that other television stations would like to claim, so in order to keep ratings high enough mark the territory theirs, and to prop up advertising rates, WLOS maintains a "bureau" there.

And this is Mike:
Rutherford, Polk & McDowell counties are "battleground" counties, not only with the SC stations in this market, but also (at least for Rutherford, and, to a lesser degree, McDowell) with the Charlotte market. Years back, I believe, WLOS had a bureau (excuse me, now it's called a "news center") in Marion. The most recent incarnation, the Rutherford County News Center, has been the on-air entryway to WLOS for Robert Green (now doing commercials for Golf USA, in case you never found the answer to your "whatever happened to...?" query from awhile back), John Le, Candice Little and Mary Jedlicka, with a return visit from Tracy Martin squeezed in there after her stint at 'SPA.

The challenge there, and with any story done outside Buncombe or Henderson counties, is to try to find a way to make it relevant to the whole NC part of the market (particulary Bunc & Hend), while still representing that you're doing news in the other counties, where Nielsen doesn't see fit to deploy very many metering devices.

Holes, Part Three: Climax
Larry "Old Glory" Blunt finished off his three-part sweeps smackdown on Thursday night in fine fashion, returning to a couple of seedy X-rated Ashvegas video shops to show us all the results of is three months of hard work.

The story? That there were holes in the partition walls separating booths where patrons could go, sit in a plastic chair and pleasure themselves with a little porn. The "glory holes" allowed patrons in adjoining booths to pleasure one another. But this is all reprehensible behavior and a threat to people's health. Even though all this was happening indoors, between consenting adults.

So Larry went back to Bedtyme Stories and the owner showed him that the booths had been shut down, boarded up. And he went to Fantasyland and showed us that metal plates had been placed over the suck holes there, although the plates could be moved aside. Larry also went to Ashvegas City Hall, where he talked to Police Chief Bill Hogan, assistant City Attorney Curt Euler and Ashvegas City Councilman Carl Mumpower.

What to make of all this? In typical fashion, WLOSers overhyped the whole thing. The story's not all that - just a couple of businesses operating without a license, with a little lurid sex thrown in. The story certainly was not worth a three-day series - it could have been told in one newscast.

Still, Larry got out from behind the desk and did some work (unlike one diva we know). And he got results. So all in all, roses to Larry for the report.

A dangerous Waffle House
WLOSer Mary Jugliquor went down to Ellenboro to tell us how it had become downright dangerous to eat at the local Waffle House. The greasy spoon is apparently mobbed once the nightclubs close.

Mary told us about a couple of shooting incidents. She interviewed a police officer who told us about a shoving incident and a car getting busted up. Then Mary went on to totally blame a nearby "hip-hop" club (that's a code word for "black") for all the violence. Careful there, Mary.

The soapbox
The soapbox got a workout at a flu clinic held at the Asheville Mall. People talked about their flu shots. Fine. Except for the crazy county health department nurse running the show. Nurse Billie hogged the box, screamed into the microphone and totally spazzed out.

AMS hairstyle report
On Thursday, WLOS followed up its report about an Asheville Middle School student suspended from school for adding red highlights to her hair. The suspension was ridiculous - the highlights were fine. And after all the news attention, the school system agreed to let the poor girl return.

So on Thursday, she came back to school with her hair in a bun. Which wasn't good enough for the principal, who said the hair should have been put up in a net or something. Luckily the superintendent stepped in and let the girl return.

Catching up on Monday and Tuesday funcasts from WLOS:

Holes
Larry "Bluntman" Blunt hit us with a sweeps sizzler Tuesday night - there are holes in the walls at local shops that sell X-rated videos, a little sexy clothing and assorted "adult novelties."

Finally, a story that actually has spice. The Bluntman pulled out all the stops - blurry video, video of the sex shops shot from the bushes, anonymous, headless sources speaking in voices manipulated to sound demonic and even a surprise interview of a sex shop owner/manager.

The Bluntman's story is this - people are having in sex in these sex shops. They're having sex through holes. (Ok, that didn't come out right - that's not news.) More specifically, they're having oral sex through "glory holes" cut into the thin partitions dividing individual viewing rooms where patrons can pay to watch a little porn. And all this sex poses a health hazard because people can be passing disease.

The Bluntman tells us this story through a former sex shop worker or two. He shows us photos shot with a cell phone (interesting trick, but the photos were crap). He also shows us video that a WLOS camera person shot, but it was unclear whether it was hidden camera video - we're assuming it was.

The danger angle was played up through nasty shots of used condoms on sex shop floors, dirty partitions smeared with what appeared to be blood and other "bodily fluids" and lots of pictures of the glory holes. In one shot, the WLOS camera person was shooting one of the holes when a dude on the other side stuck his finger in and out of the hole.

So the Bluntman jumped the owner/manager of Bedtyme stories out on Hendersonville Road in a surprise interview. Apparently, he's known there because the woman said, "First of all, Larry, I don't want to appear on camera." Gotcha!

The manager told Larry the holes are peep holes. At waist level, the Bluntman noted through an interview. That didn't really satisfy Larry, who took his case to the Ashvegas police department and the city inspections office.

The police blubbered and stuttered. And the city inspections guy said: "Larry, we were as shocked as you were to see those holes."

So Larry will tell us tonight about how his great reporting is going to get something done about all these suck holes in the walls at local sex shops.

Video bonanza
WLOSers treated viewers to a some kick-ass video Tuesday night. First, there was Sheraldo's shout report about a bunch of mud on Crabtree Road in Henderson County that made the road slick. Sheraldo said a couple of cars had wrecked, and he was interviewing a local resident complaining about the situation when a car whizzes by.

Next thing we see is the interview subject saying, "See, there goes another one." The camerman whips around in time to get the car sliding off the road, over a couple of bushes and small trees and into the front yard of a home.

Then we see the interview subject and Sheraldo hot-footin' it to the car, tie flapping in the wind. We haven't seen Sheraldo move that fast since last month's office donut party at WLOS headquarters. Good work, Sheraldo!

Fire in the hole!
The other great made-for-TV action was the "large boulder" that Julie Blunder told us had fallen in all the recent rain and was blocking a road in Transylvania County. Blunder even stood by the "large boulder" to show us how big it was. Hey Julie, a tip - the definition of "boulder" is "any large rock," so when you say "large boulder," it's redundant. We get it.

These large boulders are exactly what local DOT workers need to get their rocks off. That's because they get to bring out some dynamite and blow shit up. They drilled holes in the large boulder, dropped in the explosives and yelled, "Fire in the hole!" Boom! Instant News13 video, which we were treated to over and over again. Thanks Julie!
Click here to see the local newspaper's photo of the big explosion.

Bye bear
Remember the little bear cub stranded on a stip of wooded land along the racetrack we call Merrimon in North Ashevegas? Well, wildlife officials moved him after the all the human ruckus he triggered after the local newspaper and WLOSers did stories about the cutie.

After the stories ran, the cub caught all kinds of attention from gawkers who would stand outside the North Ashvegas library looking to spot him. Other people risked life and limb by crossing Merrimon to get an even closer view. And some drunken teenagers threatened to "get us a bearskin rug" or something. So wildlife officials, who initially said there was nothing they could do, came out and moved the lonely bear.
The Bluntman noted that the wildlife experts caught him with three donuts in a trap. "Three donuts would catch me in a trap," the Bluntman told us. Psssst. Larry. Over here.

Le replay
On Monday, Jon "Punnyman" Le trotted out a story he's done over and over and over again. Must have been a post-holiday slow pun day for Le, because he went back to songwriter Billy Ed Wheeler for what must be the millionth time. Diva Darcel led into the report by saying, "Jon Le introduces us to..." No. Stop right there. There's no introduction necessary. Le has done so many stories on this guy that he's practically on the WLOS payroll.

Anyway, it turns out that Wheeler wrote some songs for Johnny Cash. The two even created a publishing company together. Wheeler's song was "Jackson." That is a good song. Nothing wrong with that song. Only it's not a Cash smash. It's a B-side, like so many of the Punnyman's stories.

So Le made his pun about Wheeler "cashing in with a great deal of pride" because it's really not all about the money, then moved on.

WLOSers have cranked up the snow sirens. So here we go.

Cabana Boy Cuevas started it last week with his weather-guessing report that it might snow in the "upper elevations." Sunday night, Candy Cane and Julie Blunder started piling on, with Blunder adding a snowflake to her Monday forecast graphic, as well as Tuesday and Thursday.
Candy warned that Sunday's clouds were "ominous." They "look like snow clouds," she told us. Is that a meteorological term yer throwin' around there, Queen Candy? Then Blunder, nodding seriously, told us to "make your preparations now." For what, Blunder??? A few snowflakes in the air? You people make it sound like it's going to be Armageddon out there.

But this is the usual method of operation on the part of the WLOSer weather team. First, they use any term they can for snow but the word "snow." There's the "white stuff," which Blunder pulled out Sunday at 6. There's hail, sleet, freezing rain and black ice to blame. There are flurries. Toss in Mother Nature, Old Man Winter and Jack Frost to liven things up. Don't forget the wind chill.
So, count on WLOSers to be out in force this week hyping the potential for blizzards and interstate traffic-stopping snowfall amounts, especially this week, Thanksgiving week, a huge travel week. We'll see them with their rulers measuring microscopic snowfall totals. They'll be bending to the roadway to pound on the dangerous ice. They'll show us once again how the state DOT has a snow-busting cocktail of sand and other chemicals that make the road safer.

Oh, and don't forget the required grocery store video of people crammed in lines to buy bread and milk. How do you think ol' Bob Ingle has to pay the WLOS weather-guessers for their snowcasts?

And of course, with all this snow comes the constant threat of school shut downs. WLOSers will tease parents and students by telling everyone to tune in. But the information is announced on the radio and is all over the Web long before WLOSers spill it.
Here in the mountains, local school districts shut down school with simply the over-hyped threat of snow. A couple of times last year, nary a flake fell, but schools erred on the side of caution and closed school - much to the chagrin of parents everywhere.

Winter 2005, here we come.

Jackson County shooting revisited
Russ "Beefcake" Bowen continued to follow the story of how Jackson County deputies shot and killed a suspect wanted for shooting three China Dragon restaurant workers in Cullowhee earlier this week.

Wednesday, the family of the dead suspect questioned the deputies' actions. The said deputies needlessly shot the suspect, who as armed with a knife when they caught up with him. The family also questioned whether their loved one was involved at all in the restaurant shooting.

Bowen got copies of a search warrant, which confirmed that the restaurant workers had positively identified the dead suspect as the man who shot them. Bowen also talked to the sheriff, who confirmed that the suspect had helped deliver a fridge to the restaurant just recently.

Finally, Bowen went back to the witness he interviewed Wednesday, the guy who said deputies blasted away without giving the suspect a chance. The witness, the dead suspect's boss as it turns out (Russ didn't tell us that Wednesday) really toned down his story when Russ went back to him.

Seltzer's disaster drill
Jay Seltzerwater, stopwatch in hand, bubbled with his report about putting a local family to the test with a 10-minute disaster drill.

Seltzer hooked up with a woman who also happens to be a News13 weatherspotter. She and her son live in the country, exposed to flood, fire and any of a number of other natural disasters, Seltzer said. The woman's husband and other son weren't home, but that's OK, Seltzer said. We're doing the test anyway.

With a click of his stopwatch, the woman and her son were off, with 10 minutes to grab up necessities. They snatched files. A wooden aligator. More files. The family dog. Some old baseball cards. More files. But would they get what they needed, all the materials Seltzer had on his Disaster Drill List?

Time's up. Seltzer went through the checklist, and it soon became apparent that everything was paperwork - property records, credit card records, etc. So that's the lesson - have your paperwork in one place and take it with you. Everything else is gravy.

Sqeal like a pig, Le
Jon "Punnyman" Le followed up Wednesday's pork report on a lost pot-bellied pig by reporting that WLOSers had taken a number of calls from people willing to take in "Suki" the pig. Ashvegas is a town full of pet-loving suckers who'll do more for a dog than they ever would for a human.

But I digress. Le said the Leicester pig's real owner showed up to claim his pig. Turns out its name is "Wilbur," and, as only a Leicester boy can do, explained that he had bought the pig for his little girl Taylor's birthday last year. Awww. Ain't that sweet.

So the Leicester boy gathers up the porker and takes him home to the wife and trailer for the big reunion with the little girl, and the Punnyman and his camera was right there to record it all. The pig seemed right at home in the trashy trailer. And the Punnyman couldn't resist sweeping up Wilbur and giving him a great big squeeze.

Whatever...

Cuevas on snow
On Thursday's weatherguessing session, Mike "Cabana Boy" Cuevas tempered his prediction for Tuesday snow by saying that it might snow, especially in the upper elevations. Well now. That's a good guess. Snow in the mountains. When it's 40 degrees in Ashvegas and in the teens up at 5,000 feet above sea level, it might well snow. Good one, Mikey.

The Jackson County shooting
Russ "Beefcake" Bowen, the King of Sweeps so far this year, once again got the hot story of the day handed to him on a silver platter. Unlike his excellent reporting on this summer's Democrat-hating pastor, though, Russ fumbled.

Wednesday at 6, Russ followed up on the story of Jackson County deputies shooting a suspect to death following a manhunt and a restaurant shooting. The hunt ensued in Cullowhee after someone barged into the China Dragon restaurant and popped three people, seriously wounding them.

Russ covered the "press conference" held by the slain suspect's family, who called what the sheriff's deputies did murder. The family even questioned whether their dead loved one had anything at all to do with the restaurant shooting.

Russ talked to a neighbor at the apartment complex where deputies blasted the suspect. The witness said three or four deputies burst in and didn't wait before firing four shots.

Russ also talked to the sheriff, who defended his deputies. They were threatened by the suspect, who had a knife and jumped out of a closet. The sheriff, Jimmy Ashe, said he'll offer more of an explanation once the investigation is complete.

That was the extent of Russ' reporting. Russ, how about doing some work? Did the dead suspect have a criminal history? What led deputies to the dead suspect's apartment? What about the restaurant shooting victims - have they identified their attacker? Could you talk to one of them? What was the motive for the restaurant attack?

This is a hot story Russ. Don't let it go.

Footnote
By the way, Ashvegas was right on guessing that the dead suspect in Jackson County was a brown-skinned man. The Jackson case was an interesting juxtaposition to the Buncombe County murder earlier this week in which a white redneck gut-shot his girlfriend of 20 years, then hid in a shed out back.

Buncombe deputies simply went out and arrested him - no shooting involved. Do you think if he were a black man that he would have gotten off quite so easily?

Best quote of the week so far, comes from the local newspaper's story on this case:
"Why, they were as sweet together as pie," she said, "but when they got drunk ... they were mean and fought each other."

Isn't that so true of us all?

Church break-ins
Cherub Charu also phoned it on Wednesday. At 11, she had a lead report about church break-ins.

There have been more break-ins than usual, Charu tells us. She interviews the pastor of an Emma church that was robbed of some pennies and candy recently. She interviews a Buncombe County investigator. I think that's it.

Charu, let me give you some questions to ask: Mr. Investigator, why do you think church robberies are up? Is there a gang working? Is it the time of year for crooks looking for Christmas cash? Exactly how many more break-ins are we talking about? How big of an increase is that? Where are the churches being hit - scattered all over the place or in certain neighborhoods?

Big sigh.

Anchorman works while the Diva doesn't
Lead anchor Larry Blunt, since the day he arrived in Ashvegas a month or two ago, has been hitting the streets to cover and report stories. Wednesday, he had a story about the Eastern Band of the Cherokee working to preserve its native Cherokee language. He also had an "Energy Savers" report about the city of Asheville's first car that works off of compressed natural gas. Cool.

Here's my question - when is Diva Darcel going to get off her ass, out from behind the anchor desk and actually do some work? Every other anchor that has served beside her has gotten out and actually done some work. Meanwhile, the Diva has been sitting in the office, filing her nails and touching up her weave.

Hey Diva, I don't think you've got the skills. I don't think you actually know how to report. Prove us all wrong. I dare you.

Le's pork report
"It's a potbellied pet with no place to call home." That was Jon "Punnyman" Le's tease to his story Wednesday night. Was he talking about himself?

No. Le was talking about "Suki" the pot-bellied pig in Leicester that, according to Leicester folks, got put out after the domestic break-up of his owners. Poor guy. Suki's been hanging out with a family dog and living the good life.

Unfortunately for us, Le ruined the good life with references to "the other white meat," "pig tale" and a few others. But then Larry made it all good when he actually copped to owning, and loving, a pig named "Pansy" when he was a kid.

O, Larry. Larry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're gonna have fun with that one.

Cuevas prediction
Cuevas used the "snow" word during his weather forecast Wednesday night. He had a little graphic with snowflakes down for Tuesday. He hedged his bets by saying it was a "question mark." Now that's some weather forecasting.

Disaster drill
That's the story WLOSers will bring us Thursday. I'm scared...

Sweeps shootings
As soon as Ashvegas put the call out for some sweeps action, news happened and WLOSers were all over it. Deadly shootings in Buncombe and Jackson counties had them hopping.

The lead off report of the day was the Buncombe County shooting in the Oakley community. Some redneck that looked like a 75-year-old ZZ Top guitarist, but in reality was in his 40s, gut-shot his girlfriend with a .38.
WLOSers hit us, rather insensitively, with the dying woman's words via her 911 call to police, begging for someone to help her. The tape was chilling. Did the television folks really need to play it the day after the woman was murdered? Hmmm. Wonder what the family thinks about that.

Police caught the old boy hiding in a shed.

Meantime, Jackson County sheriff deputies, apparently a bit more trigger happy than their Buncombe County counterparts, caught up with a suspect in a Cullowhee restaurant shooting and blasted him to death. They found him hiding in a closet in an apartment. Sheriff Jimmy Ashe said he "brandished" a weapon and refused to obey police orders.

The suspect had popped three workers (they were in serious condition Tuesday night) inside the China Dragon restaurant and tried to sexually molest a woman, the Jackson sheriff said.

Here's my Tom Joyner "hidden racism" theory: The Oakley suspect was a white man. Police didn't shoot him. The WLOSers didn't disclose the race of the Jackson County shooter, but my guess he was brown-skinned. Police did shoot to kill in his case. I hope I'm wrong on this...

What did you say?
After all that big news, Larry Blunt came right back with a noggin-scratcher. He delivered some bit about a Cherokee police officer found not guilty of stealing a motorcycle. Ooooooo kay.

Why do I care? Why is that the third most important story of the day? Here's my theory on this one: WLOSers got bullied into putting that up high in the newscast by the Cherokee officer's lawyer, arguing that the teevee folks made a big deal of it back when he was charged. WLOSers, what say you?

Speaking of Cherokee
It seems that the Cherokee language is dying. Uh, no shit, Sherlock. Yet that's the big Wednesday report that WLOS was teasing on local radio.

Charu's needless soldier story
At 11, Cherub Charu came back on her useless story about a spat between a St. Louis newspaper reporter and a local ex-Marine who now speaks out against the war in Iraq.

Charu did the story because she half-assed the first report that ran several days ago - she went with a piece laying out the controversy by talking to the newspaper reporter but not interviewing the ex-Marine, who she said was traveling. So she was forced to come back and tell his side of the story.

The ex-Marine says he saw U.S. soldiers shooting and killing civilians. The reporter, who was embedded for while in the ex-Marine's unit, says the local guy is full of crap.

But again, why is this even a story? We could care less, Charu. Seriously. Go back to yer Ganja reports.

Flip a coin
A WLOS camera captured a coin toss that decided a mayoral race in the Jackson County town of Forest Hills. Seems both candidates got 41 votes. The story was so poorly put together that I couldn't tell who the winner was - there was no video interview with the new mayor or the loser.

Getting hosed
Looks like Ashvegas City Council could hose city water customers yet again. Michelle Boudin, once again reporting news that might actually affect me (thank you, Michelle), said council on Tuesday was considering jacking up water rates for the average user by $3.50 a month.

Dammit, this is pissing me off. We pay more than anyone else in the state for water service as it is. Now they're going to hit us again? I know the Ashvegas water system leaks like a sieve. I know it's supposed to take, like, a billion dollars to repair. But damn!

Lederhosen Le
Jon "Punnyman" Le donned the lederhosen (actually, we think he wears the hosen under his work clothes on a regular basis) and felt feather cap to do a story about the health benefits of sauerkraut.

Le was picking up on a recent report in which some scientists said sauerkraut could help fight the bird flu, another big non-story. So Le went out to a German restaurant in Black Mountain, the Berliner Kindel, and talked to the chef.

Le slurped some rancid juice from the fermented cabbage. And he made many bad puns relating to weinerschnitzel and such.

All I know is that after eating all that smelly sauerkraut, Le cured himself from getting laid any time soon.

'Doing it for the boys'
Just how many washed up starlets in bad blonde wigs and leopardskin cowboy hats are there? I don't know, but Jon "Punnyman" Le appears to determined to find and interview every damn one of 'em.
Friday night, Le brought us Chris Noel a classic blonde beauty in the tradition of any one of a number of Marilyn Monroe wannabes. He picked her up at the Western North Carolina Film Festival, the same place he found a Bond girl from 40 years ago and a Star Trek babe from the same era.

Once again, Le did a nice job of telling us briefly about Noel, though the picture he painted was incomplete, as usual.

Noel fell in the lineage of Bob Hope babes, those busty women not afraid to shed some clothes, dance on a mess hall table and dole out hugs and kisses (and probably a little more than that) all to keep our boys' chins up (and maybe a few other parts) during wartime. All the jiggling and giggling went on in the name of "doing it for the boys."

These wartime sirens had their heyday during World War II, but Noel and her sex kitten voice did her absolute best to keep the tradition alive. She starred on an Armed Forces Network radio show called "A Date with Chris," purring our poems and song dedications and advice on how not to get run over by a tank. Noel's star shone during the mid '60s and the Vietnam War.

Noel traveled all over 'Nam, ducking into any LZ she could to give the boys a lift. She became so popular that the enemy put a bounty on her head. She immersed herself in the Vietnam of mid to late 60s, touring tirelessly and working it to her own benefit, as well.
In a profile of Noel, Vietnam Magazine noted: "She starred with, dated or befriended such Vietnam-era entertainment favorites as Elvis Presley, Hugh O'Brian, Shelley Fabares, Ray Charles, Frank Sinatra, Bobby Rydell, Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springsteen, Don Johnson and Bob Hope. Her film credits include Soldier in the Rain with Steve McQueen, Honeymoon Hotel with Robert Goulet, and Girl Happy with Elvis Presley. Noel, however, discovered her true calling soon after she was offered her own show with Armed Forces Radio. A Date With Chris was broadcast to GIs throughout the world. It was an immediate hit."

With a name like Chris (Christmas?) Noel, her real time to shine was, of course, Christmas.

Again from Vietnam Magazine: "December 25 was always Noel's busiest day. Dressed in her minidress Santa outfit, she landed in as many firebases and landing zones as she could. 'I realized that, even if for only a few moments, I was their sister, their girlfriend, or their sexual fantasy.'"

In her Punnyman interview, Noel still seemed to want to be transported back to those years when she was on top of the world, even though she was a bit player on a grand stage. She seemed a little battle-scarred herself, but strong in knowing that in her own way, she helped our boys in uniform. Good for her.

mr. fuSchia, one of Ashvegas' loyal readers, went a bit of a rant, so let's hear him (scroll down a bit for the earlier post that sorta got to him):

Whoa now, wait a second. Who said I was a WLOSer? That is a quick assumption you make without any evidence to back it up. And you took my point out of context. First of all, I am not saying the whole community supports my opinion. Your obvious retaliatory statement proves that. And I agree with you that "scaring" the viewers is not right in any form or fashion. But being someone who is educated, I PERSONALLY understand that the "fake bullshit" that we see on TV every day is nothing more than that, "fake bullshit." I find it amusing that the big news stories in our area are about a redneck wrestling fight or a turtle being stolen from a restaurant. But I PERSONALLY find it comforting as well, knowing that I can leave my doors unlocked at night and not worry about a potential thief or killer coming inside. All I am saying is that if you are looking for “real” news, watch channel 4 or 7. They have a least 1-2 murders a week. Or turn on CNN and watch how corrupt the government is, or how millions of people are dying of hunger, or how freaked out there are trying to make everyone because of the bird flu. PERSONALLY, the fear of getting some snow on the parkway (mainly cause I love driving in the snow) makes me look at the glass half full, and have some faith left in humanity.

Now with that said, I throw out a counter argument as well. Every year, one of our local colleges does something called the Western North Carolina Poll. One of the questions on there goes something like this: "how many murders are there in your county each year." They get answers from people from all over WNC, and the results are disturbing. You said it yourself, "Ashvegas and surrounding towns have one of the lowest crime rates in the state." But every year, the numbers show people who live here think otherwise. I believe the average number people say for their county is something around 25 murders a year. Multiply that by all the counties here, and well that’s a lot of dead people. All of0 the media here take a murder or some bad event and blow it way out of proportion, and yes that includes the Citizen Crimes and WWNC. In a sense, all of the media then scare people to thinking this bad event, if it be a murder or a tazering or a sexual predator that didn’t register cause he is 10 years out… they think it is happening right in their neighborhood. Someone living in Canton sees or hears “FLU PANDEMIC” and thinks it happened outside, and goes and starts Lysol, or I guess Moonshine, it’s the same stuff. Or take my grandparents for example: they see something about a new cell phone virus and think Satan himself has invaded the planet and taken over trying to kill everyone.

Okay, now I am just ranting, and thus I should stop now. In any means, I love the website and the comments here. It’s fun to get riled up and have a good argument about what’s going on, and of course poke fun at our local celebrities.

Here's a comment from mr. fuSchia, proving that WLOSers really are as dumb as we think they are:

You know, I don't really know why you all bitch so much about there not being "real news" out there. If anything, you should be lucky that WLOS leads with stories about Halloween Safety and Snow on the Parkway. Sure as hell makes me feel a lot safer to live here in Asheville. Go to New York or Washington DC sometime, and you will get your "real news." It will be something along the lines of "the maimed corpse of the 11th victim of a serial killer is found." Yeah, watching stories about Halloween Safety isn't as thrilling as watching an episode of CSI, but it is comforting knowing that the only danger I have to worry about is driving on icy roads, not eating too much candy, and ancient people (cause they are scary drivers around here).

OK, here's the deal. See if you can follow this: Nobody is bitching about the lack of "real news" or the lack of crime in Ashvegas. We're bitching about all the fake bullshit you WLOSers call news.

Are you seriously trying to say that WLOS is trying to make people feel_safe_ by leading the news with a story about how sexual predators are lurking in every neighborhood ready to prey on little Johnny. And that's just one example of how WLOS takes any crime story - any crime story at all - and just runs with it. "If it bleeds it leads," right?

Do you understand what a warped picture of the community your station is painting by making such a big deal out of a stupid redneck getting Taser-ed or a convenience story beating??? Ashvegas and surrounding towns have one of the lowest crime rates in the state.

You seriously think the bullshit infotainment you WLOSers are putting out there is making people feel safer? It's not. It's a false reality you portray, and you don't build up the community at all.

Tased and confused
Michelle Boudin, who surprisingly hasn't made the Ashvegas blog much, told a wild tale about a redneck who had quite a run-in with the local sheriff's department Tuesday night. Too bad she missed the story.

Big-un told us that a Buncombe sheriff's deputy tried to arrest said redneck at the Mickey D's on Smoky Park Highway at the Enka exit. The deputy said the guy threw some punches, so the deputy Taser-ed his ass. Only the redneck laughed in the deputy's face (ok, taking a little poetic license here), grabbed the wires, ripped them out and ran like only a scared redneck can run.

The deputy gave chase, and said the redneck started shooting. So another deputy pulled up and shot back, hitting the redneck in the leg. So that made the redneck run even faster, all the way to the Red Roof Inn. (damn those deputies are fat and slow)

Friends drove their bleeding redneck buddy to Haywood Regional Medical Center, where Haywood County deputies, apparently a bit smarter than our guys, arrested him.

Here's the story Michelle missed: how the hell can a redneck mother-effer get Taser-ed and shot and still get away from sheriff's deputies? Where did the gun he allegedly fire come from? Exactly how many shots were fired from each side? She just totally takes what the police are saying, no questions asked. Do your job, Big-un. Ask questions. Report.

Robbie Benson sighting
Victoria Dunkelhead did her usual suck-up job as she interviewed D-list celebrity Robbie Benson at noon Wednesday. Robbie is the big star that this weekend's Ashvegas Film Festival is pulling in. That's just sad, isn't it? The dude's almost 50 years old.

But we loved him when we were kids, right? Remember "Ice Castles"? How about "One on One"? Tom Skerritt and Annette O'Toole, eat your hearts out - we watched for Robbie's sweet, sleepy mug.

But we digress. Neither Robbie nor Victoria knew what the hell the Asheville Film Festival was about. Both were holding huge cheat sheets. And they didn't really talk about the festival. Robbie rambled on about his three open-heart surgeries and shit, and Victoria lapped it all up, just honored to be sitting at the feet of such a cinematic superstar.

More WLOSer Halloween costumes
Check out John "Punnyman" Le as "Punhead." And here's Jay "Alka" Seltzer as none other than Les Nessman. Not a stretch, really.
Also, Ashvegas is putting the word out now that anyone who e-mails us with photos of the actual WLOS Halloween party (at Michelle's new Fletcher condo?) will be richly rewarded with an Ashvegas bumpersticker and much love.

Cranking up the winter fear factor
Well, we thought we'd be hanging onto this post for a few more weeks, but it seems that the time is now for WLOS to start sounding the school/snow siren.
For years, WLOSers have been stoking the worst winter fears of Western North Carolinians by alarmist reporting on winter storms. Today, we got the first taste of what's to come.

Mitchell County schools delayed the start of the educational day today because, well, because it was cold. And windy. So Susan Mundy wrapped her head in a scarf for extra-chilly effect and interviewed clueless kids and toothless moms. The kids said they liked the late start, and the toothless mom said it was a good idea 'cause she didn't want anything bad happening to her babies.

WLOSers jump all over the winter weather for two very simple reasons: first, it's the easiest story to do - stick a video camera out the window and you've got instant video; and second, it's a ratings winner - hapless residents sit glued to their televisions for any crumb about where the latest snowflake fell or where there might be some black ice they've got to watch out for.

There will be much, much more on this subject, my pretties. Much, much more.

One-word forecast
Jay Seltzer enjoyed having Victoria Dunkelhead back on set today so that he could get back in the groove with his weather soothsaying. You could tell he was damn happy not to have to share any more awkward silences with Bob Cobweb. And boy, was Jay feeling it.

"I've got just one word for the forecast this afternoon," Jay spouted dramatically, pointing an index finger high in the air. "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

WHAT? WHAT. THE. EFF?!&!@?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Help me. Help me help Jay. Help me help him understand that "Brrrrrrrr" is not an effing word. Help me help him understand that his melodramatic, stiff, robotic armed presentation is the worst ever TV weatherman's soothsaying acting job the civilized world has ever seen. Help me. Help me.

Halloween comes to the Wickersham household
Here's what Scottie2Hottie and Candy plan to wear out this year...

Just wondering
Faithful reader Dagdog offers this from this morning's newscast:

I hope you caught (or maybe not) the "lead" story on this morning's news ... in the dark ... with Susan Mundy. Why is she always standing outside some building in the dark? why not go inside and talk to a person and give them some recognition as well as a decent picture of their building?

Anyway, the story covered an award that some branch of the educational hierarchy in N.C. bestowed on Buncome County Schools - for something like "wise and healthy use of institutional pesticides." They were lauded for not spraying pesticides on food or drinking fountains(sic), and for asking teachers to "log" sightings of "pests." (Ash wonders - does this mean little Johnny in the fourth-grade class?) The representative from the local school district was ready to get on the road to Raleigh to accept the award after his interview.

Why such a stupid award and a stupid trip, when teachers in this county are underpaid and do not have the tools they need to teach their students?

Just wondering....
PS: I'm not a teacher, and I do not have a student in the public schools...

Turtle tale
Friday night, the WLOSers hit a new low by leading off their big 11 o'clock newscast with - GASP! - the theft of a - GASP! - turtle. You heard me right.
Holly Headache, who has been on the night shift lately, scored the story about some punks stealing "Pete" the box turtle from a water display at the StoneRidge restaurant. Pete is apparently quite the star with the little kids, though how they know the difference between Pete and the two or three other turtles in the display is beyond me.

Yes, this was the lead story.

Anyway, Holly had key interviews with 20-something restaurant hostesses up in arms over the whole ordeal. Somebody noticed Pete was AWOL. They scanned restaurant security cameras. They spotted the thieves, interviewed servers to track down their table and nailed them through their credit card receipt. Police tracked them down at a local motel. Holly scored the interview with the Ashvegas Police Officer, who didn't seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed.

But what police work! Wish everyone would put some of that kind of energy into something that really mattered.

When confronted, the thief said he just wanted the turtle to add to an assortment of other creatures, but he had released Pete into a nearby creek. Not sure what the charges will be... grand theft turtle?

Goodbye, Carrier
I guess Holly got stuck with the turtle because Jon "Punnyman" Le was tied up on doing what he does best lately - reporting on WLOS.

Le had a story about the retirement of station engineer Jim Carrier. With 42 years in the TV biz, he's seen some amazing changes. Le bid him a punny goodbye.

Punnyman and the picture boy
Jon "Punnyman" Le returned with a day-late, dollar-short report about some kid who won a state fair photography contest. Apparently, the 10-year-old takes good pictures. He seems precocious. It turns out his mama is also a professional photographer. Sounds like he had a bit of an unfair advantage, don't ya think?

Anyway, good to see the Punnyman back.

The music in me
Let's get this straight, Larry - you are not a black woman.

At the end of Le's report, Diva Darcel got a little fiesty and repeated one of the kid's quotes. "I just want to hear him say again, 'I've got the music in me,'" she says, all thumbs and sass.
the Diva can't believe the Bluntman just went Oprah on her
Well, Larry, just dying to impress the diva, jumps right in, mimicking her every move. "I've got the music in me," he says, all Bluntlike.

Don't try it again, Lar.

Bets on the bomber
OK, we're opening betting season on when Scottie2Hottie will break out the leather bomber jacket for the first time. Scottie is known for his love of finery, and looks damn dapper in the dead hide. I've got a bumpersticker says it will be Oct. 30.

Gassing up
In stark contrast to its irresponsible self-fulfilling prophecy story a few weeks ago about a post-Katrina gas panic, WLOer Sheraldo Barber gave a downbeat report about the potential this time 'round with Hurricane Rita.

Sheraldo talked to your typically peeved motorists at the fuel pumps. He also talked to a gas station owner, who adamently told consumers DON'T PANIC. There's no reason to, he said. We'll keep a watch on this story.

Wedding crasher
Bulldog weighs in on yesterday's post about Julie Wunder's wedding (yes, video of said wedding was shown on a news broadcast - why, we have no clue):

The only thing surprising about WLosers' coverage of Wunder's Wedding is that they didn't do a breaking SPECIAL REPORT with the whole friggin' wedding video. For chrissakes, this morning Victoria (Caution: Wide Load) Dunkel showed photos "TAKEN LAST NIGHT" - GASP -of her six-month-old taking a bath, and wearing a ballcap. The only thing that would make this crap interesting is if the kid turned his ballcap sideways and tossed his empty bottle in the back on the truck.