Culled from the files of the Ashvegas Police Dept.

Uncle Sam-antha shocked

The following "exposure" report was filed on July 3. The name of the victim and the location of the incident were blacked out on the police report. All you could see was that the victim was a white female.

"Victim was standing in front of business dressed as Uncle Sam for promotion. Suspect stopped in roadway next to victim and was masturbating in his vehicle. Suspect then left the area."

Guess he got his little explosion a day early.

A hard night's sleep
The Black Walnut Bed and Breakfast in Montford filed this report under "defrauding an innkeeper:"
A Huntsville, Ala., woman reserved a room for two nights, stayed one night then "told the innkeeper that she had back pain and wanted to leave. Suspect refused to pay (sign credit card receipt) and left, even though innkeeper offered to lower rate."

Damages were listed at $455. Shit, I'd be reporting a hijacked wallet.

Bits and pieces

The Kress Emporium reported its front door vandalized on 6/29. Damage estimated at $300.

The Silver Dollar greasy spoon down on Clingman reported a B&E on 6/29. Stolen: a .22 rifle valued at $100; Bud and Miller Lite valued at $150; and 300 pennies.

The new Northern Tool on Patton Avenue reported three winches gone from store shelves, each valued at $1,500. How do you shoplift a winch?

Lifehouse of Asheville on Peachtree Road reported that a gun went off, causing $25 in damage to a tile floor.

Blue Ridge Music reported a B&E on 6/30. Their door was broken, with damages of $200.
-Somebody on Montford reported a digital camera, cash and a Jane Shilton purse worth $2,500 stolen.

We're starting a new feature here at Ashvegas - Law and Disorder - where we'll mine the piles of Ashvegas police reports for the weird, the wacky, the whatever. We're not trying to poke fun at other people's misery, but c'mon, some of this shit is just ca-ray-zee. Read on, my pretties:

Leicester boys are hungry
On July 2, the Ingles at 7 Leicester Highway said a couple of good ol' boys came in at 4:25 a.m., one carrying a big wrench. The proceeded to take 4 cases of Bud Light valued at $60 and 1 chicken.

Hey boys, Ingles has the video.

Jersey Mike's gets stiffed
The Jersey Mike's sub shop at 1550 Hendersonville Road got stiffed when employee Alice Stegman accepted a bogus $5 and a credit card for payment of some food on June 28. She noticed the "suspicious bill" in the till later.

David, I know you eat there waaay too much. Are you trying to pass some funny money?

Popular pasttime: stealing scooters

Scooters are so Ashvegas, and apparently so is stealing them. Ricky Smith told cops on 6/28 that someone stole his 2003 Kymco scooter on Grove Street. Somebody on Michigan Avenue told police their black Viper moped valued at $3,500 was taken in a "strong-arm" robbery, also on 6/28. On 6/29, someone reported their 2004 Vento scooter worth $1,400 stolen.

That's a lot of hot scooters scootin' around town.

Carolina (Party) Lane

Apparently the hippies hanging out on Carolina Lane in downtown Ashvegas know how to party. In a report with the victim listed as "North Carolina," somebody reported finding the following: 1 psilocyba mushroom cap; 2 strips of paper with LSD; 2 packs of rolling papers; a few bottles; and 1 red stitched yarn pouch.

Somebody ain't gettin' high tonight.

Police catch thief, can't catch a break

Last week, there was a big chase that wound through Pisgah View Apartments after some kid stole an SUV or something. Here's a police report that came out of that: A woman complained of $100 damage to her 1995 white Mercury after she said that, during the chase, a State Highway Patrol officer tackled the suspect on the hood of her car. She said the trooper fell on her hood chasing the suspect, "then fell off, hitting his head on the curb."

Damn.